I AM A CERTIFIED #1 LOOSER!

I don’t know why… but I consider myself as a LOOSER…

I just wanted to convey that I don’t want to feel pity on me guys… and it’s not an emo emo thingy that just wanted to make “emote or inarte”

It was thursday night when my phone vibrated and my phone played my favorite song “mad” which was my text tone and I was really shocked when my “long lost friend” texted me.

He was my childhood friend. But his family decided to migrate in Canada when I was in junior high school and we had only a communication through e-mail and I should say, a big thanx to “ROAMING” (may Globe kasi siya ngayon…)

Stories about my life are really an open book to him. When roads get rough in my journey towards existence, he is the one who introduces me to a door of hope and courage. Whenever I feel alone and something is bothering in my mind, I just text him and say… “SANA NAMAN HINDI KA BUSY PARA MAGREPLY KA… BTW I NEED TO TALK WITH YOU… SANA MAGCHAT TAYO”

One thing that I really like him is… MASYADO SIYANG PRANKA! In other words, he has my authorization to scold me in a sense of saying below the belt things to the point that I ended up crying (Siya lang nagpapaiyak sa akin ng REPUS!). He is really sadist when it comes to words that apparently… I can sue him a slander case(too exaggerated) for saying things like “KUNG GANYAN ANG MANGYAYARI, PAKAMATAY KA! SUPOTAHAN PA KITA!”. I know he’s too harass to say those things but its his thought of expressing his answers to my problems and try to make me cry to release all the tensions that I’ve felt inside(ALAM NIYA HATE KO ANG UMIYAK).

So… we talked on the phone (maraming salamt sa SUN CELL) for two hours and he just wanted to say that he was here in the Philippines. I was happy and hopefully, we will meet this April. But as usual, I heard ruthless words coz he heard so many things about my studies, my family and my lovelife “daw”. He scolded me and say this sarcastic thoughts...

“Nung high school ka, masyado kang matapobre na sinasabi mo sa lahat ng tao na after college, isa ka na sa mga taong dapat tingalain at tularan. Kung tutuusin, saludo naman ako sayo…nung high school ka pa. Masyado ka kasing talented at matalino. Wala rin akong duda na matatag talaga ang loob mo. Pero asan ka ngayon? Halos tapos na kami ng college at ikaw… kailan ka gragraduate? Next year? Dapat nagdoctorate ka nalang!. Ang dami dami mo pang problema sa buhay… ni ultimo hindi kumplikado ginagawa mong mahirap. Palibhasa, di ba gusto mo ng challenge? Gusto mong mabuhay mag-isa? Kailangan mo ng space di ba? Ngayon… sinong gago at pariwara ang buhay? IKAW!”

It’s really true… honestly, I am really disappointed and ashamed for being who am I. disappointed because I know I can achieve my dreams and have peace of mind but eventually, I am making these things complicated to reach. Ashamed because I am a person who try to escape the problems I had and be experimental to face those set of hurdles. I am a person that when I want to give up, I suddenly run and try new things to cover the hurdles that I had and it ended up an overload multitude of troubles on the other day or a week.

I am a looser… for not finishing my studies in just 4 or 5 years. I know that some of my classmates in high school try to think that I am working in one of the big companies nowadays as written in our class prophecy before. I know for a fact that some of them have workloads now and earning their own money unlike me, I am still a PAL airlines or “PALAMUNIN” to my parents. I know that these people has already achieve their dreams right now to have a bachelor’s degree and be proud for the rest of their lives and I’m a looser and a failure that I was not able to graduate as your batch mate based on your expectations… sorry…

I am looser… for not accepting the reality that I am selfish. Selfish in a sense of I was thinking about my own feelings and thoughts. I know that I didn’t accept and recognize my papa’s bastards and try not to have reconciliation for the benefit of my own good. I know that I don’t want to have peace of mind and live my life full of burdens and anxieties.

I am looser… for not loving someone (again) whom he loves me so much. I know that he will sacrifice everything to revive our relationship and commitment and unfortunately, I insist that it’s not going to work and I am already thinking the consequences and be pessimistic in advanced. I am forcing him to let go of me but I’m a certified liar that I know myself that I really love him. In other words… I am the one who make these matters worse.

I am a looser, that sometimes; I don’t want to understand things more clearly and vividly. I know I am witty and I know I am totally dumb and annoying. Sometimes, people try to initiate that I am dumb in everything that I’ve done. Others try to think that I am trying hard to speak, write and spill things out when it comes to English proficiency. I know that I was not gifted to be a good athlete, a cook and in math problems. Some people think that I am too little for them because of my capacity and ability.

I am a looser… for I know that my gender was different. Some people tried to underestimate my character and these people try to discriminate me because of sexual preferences. Each day went by; I know that I was facing persons who were judgmental. I know I was special and “abnormal”. I am a failure coz I was made to be a hormonger to the church’s perception and a curse in our society.

I know my weaknesses yet, I try to improve and work these things out. I am not perfect as an old cliché says. Even though I keep telling to myself that I am not affected by their thoughts but in summed up to be a pain in my heart and soul.

I have to fix myself first in order for me to realize on what are the things that I wanted to change and remain constant on the things that I don’t want to change at all. Somehow, I was merely LOST but I’m trying to cope up with it.

This is it! I am looking for tough things and try these worse and try to fix it and learn from my mistakes.
Being a looser doesn’t mean that you have to give up and be contented that your life is a mess. I personally agree that my life is a trash but as of now, I’m trying to patch things up and learn… learn… learn from my failures in this cruel world.