Friday, January 6, 2012
(i apologize sa paggamit ng pic sa EK na di pa na_uupload!)
After few days of fireworks and meja noche, something’s telling me not to be too melodramatic as 2011 ends. Somehow, in the back of my head, an urge of desperation is killing me. But I reprimanded myself… to control things over.
IT’S A MATTER OF CONTROL… I don’t know if it is my greatest talent that I should be proud of. It’s like something that you can show off in a theatric stage and lots of people give you a certified a warm of applause. Good thing I am thinking of X FACTOR, or an AMERICAN IDOL, if we can turned it to a local TV reality talent show, Protégé or PGT (Pilipinas Got Talent) will do!!!
2011… highlights everything and spares my most controllable acts. I admit, I am a drunken master way back years… but last year, I mellow down a lot (forgive me if I was drunk and wasted in the mid-august and September). Yeah!! My weight turned 163 lbs and I was so TOTALLY BLOATED. I do smoke a lot!! I even neglect myself and got jaded… all I wanted to do is to be desperate, looser and have a low self-esteem and confidence. All I wanted to do is to sit, sip cups of coffee, light sticks of cigar and think that I am looser every minute.
Again, realizations came through. I was so deranged with so many responsibilities. To my family, in the office and even to my little sense of gender issues… it knocks me off!!! But realizations came up and the cause is what we called reality.
I miss those people whom I shared with all my sentiments. I miss all of them who barely saw me crying. I miss their advices. People come and go but I barely incomplete without their words of wisdom. I don’t want to mention names. I know I am always finding out solutions on my own. That’s the reason why I choose to stroll somewhere else and feel the rush of my own thoughts in my heart and in my head. I know I can solve and surpass it which I always believe in.
Experiences taught me to become a better person. I also admit that 2011 served me a bowl of saddest experiences which I consider as a crucial point and challenged me over to surpass it. I have been placed in between the boulders of pain in the past years but 2011 gave me gazillions of confusions and sentiments, causing me to clash and hurt my head off.
It’s a good year for me anyway, got a stable job even my salary does not fit my whole “luho” and expenses, found a home where I actually wanted to have my own space and relieve my own composure, got new best buddies, in which, different scenarios of desperations barged over and realized that I AM REALLY IN THE OUTSIDE WORLD!!!, looks like everything is laid in my hands and not to be dependent with my mom, dad and also, to my TN buddies and socialite friends.
For those challenges that came through (at feeling ko hindi pa cya tapos which is sooo true), thank you for making me more sensible and tough as I can be, for those people who hurt me most, it can be mentally and socially; thanx for the realizations. You’re a great help in continuing to find and track my latest OUTLETS on how to get rid of your bulllshit percepetions and pathetic inhibitions based on my personality. to my family, who continued to support and encourage me to live my life like Alice in Wonderland (dami kasi stages). To my friends, thanx for another year. I may not be so special to you but I am so blessed to have you guys… and oh! I forgot… to someone who makes my life a half baked complete but with lots of hanging statements and more confusions… thank you for the realizations … I have this strong eagerness na girl talaga ako AT HINDI AKO ISA SA MGA TANSU.AN CLAN. Yeah… you almost wanted to change everything from me but I do apologize… I will not change myself and do transitions just because of you. Tatay ko nga di ako nabago, kaw pa kaya? But I do care for you…
And luckily, I spend my time writing this post in a serious way… English pa!!! clap clap clap!!! See you this 2012…