Day 1
nung sabado pa ako ganito. feeling ko, wala akong masasandalan. sinasarili ko lang lahat ng nararamdaman. kung may masabihan man ako, hesitant ako magsabi... hindi ko alam, maybe I am afraid to tell the reality at ayokong masira lahat... takot na kung takot... in denial na kung in denial... somehow, I am just trying to control things over... and this time... I can't control it... just let it happen what it should be...
yah... favorite lines coming over... HINDI SA LAHAT SA PANAHON, PANAHON ANG MAKIKI-AYOS SAYO... MAY MGA PAGKAKATAON NA IKAW ANG MAKIKI-AYON SA IHIP NG HANGIN DAHIL KUNG BAGYO MAN ITO... DI MAIIWASANG DUMAAN... i said this to someone (sorry naman kung may dagdag) whom i knew na maa-adopt niya ang linyang to! somehow, I should have to say this to myself.. madaling magpayo, pero ang hirap pala gawin...
buong buhay ko, ako ang UPLIFTER sa lahat ng kailangan i-uplift... pano ba naman... napapalibutan ako ng purong problema ng ibang tao. bigla pumasok sa utak ko ngayon... pano naman kung ako ang kailangan i-uplift? kaya nyo bang i-uplift kung ano nararamdaman ko ngayon? alam mo yung feeling na wala kang kaibigan? alam mo yung feeling na gusto mong magsabi pero hesitant ka talaga dahil may mga pagkakataon na hindi nila maintindihan kung ano ba talaga ang nararamdaman mo? and here I go again... trying to control things which is uncontrollable.
This time, para di kayo magtaka, I admit, Someone push me to fall in love back again... I keep controlling things as normal coz I resists kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. I admit, It's abnormality. I fell with someone na hindi naman dapat. nung una, I can even control what's happening... I ADMIT IT! and it's true. alam niya yun... complications come over. ok lang naman sana kung ako at siya ang nakakakita at nakaakramdam. Like, most of the people started to wonder if there is a spark happening to us. Like, most of the people think there is something between us and it shouldn't be. Like, one person keeps on reacting which is not right. like, I even told to myself not to indulge with this things coming over. Like, people tried to comprehend things that is not worth it. and lastly, Like, I keep pushing myself to stray out of this... but the thought remains that, I keep holding back the intuitions of others and control things over, which is, the thing right now is stabbing myself with the pain and hurt which is not worth it...
thoughts come up with his head "I don't want to loose you" a promise that keeps me hanging on how do deal with this. paano? again... maki-ayon ka sa panahaon...
I asked him ironically... pano kung iiwas ako... kakayanin mo ba? his eyes keep rolling as if finding right words to say with a blank face ... he said... kaya ko...
honestly, hindi ko kayang umiwas... things will be absurd if this will happen... malaking adjustments ang mangyayari... alam ko high blood siya... alam ko hindi niya minsan ma-control ang anger at temper... iniisip ko lang, ayoko ng makadagdag. I keep things as normal as it should be... masakit na masakit... LAGI NAMAN GANITO... EVRESINCE, AKO NA ANG NAGPAPARAYA. WALA PALANG SIYA SA BUHAY KO, LAGI NG GANITO. JUST READ MY PAST POSTS PARA NAMAN EBIDENSIYA NA MATAGAL NA AKONG MAPAGPARAYANG TAO.
paano naman ako. paano naman ang sarili ko... putrages na pagmamahal to... sinasabi ko na nga eh... tang ina talaga...
dahil sa di sinasadyang pagkakataon, pumasok akong late sa opisina kanina. nagulat nalang ako na VL ko pala ng tatlong araw. di ko alam... sa totoo lang. inantay ko siyang mag-break... I even wondered why he looked so weird... as always... he told me... na yung taong nag-mamareact sa'kin at sinasabing lahat daw ng gusto ko... sinusunod niya... which is not, sila na pala. automatically, I reacted... Whih is good... I even told him na at least, you already have a focus. Dahil sa paulit-ulit nalang na magkasama kami, He always keep remincing the memories of his with his ex... good thing, He found someone who will love him just as what happened to his ex. yah... alam niya kung paano ko siya pinish through na nandyan si N...y para sa kanya. Siya lang naman kasi yung maarte at madrama na hindi maka-move on sa ex niya.
Sa smoking area, I even told him na ayoko na ng gulo. since official na sila na, ayoko ng makigulo. ayoko na ng komplikasyon. somehow, alam ko na kung saan ako dapat lumugar. alam ko naman talaga ang salitang "disposisyon". hindi ko to ginagawa dahil mahal ko siya... ginagawa ko to dahil sa sarili ko at sa ikakabuti ng buhay namin.
Pauwi na 'ko... things bursted out again... ba't ako nasasaktan? alam mo yung feeling na binuhusan ako ng maiinit na tubig? alam mo yung feeling na para akong mamamatay sa sakit? halos tumulo yung luha ko nasa second floor palang ako pababa ng sm... I even remember wat he said... KAYA AKO LAGING MAY SHADES PARA DI MAKITA NG TAO NA UMIIYAK AKO... gud thing may shades ako sa bag. Hanggang sa jeep, parang gripo yung luha ko. di ko mapigilan... hindi naman ako lasing... hanggang sa bahay paghubad ko ng sandals... at heto ngayon, habang ginagawa ko ang post na 'to, i keep crying till the last drop of it. tang ina lord! bakit ang super duper sakit?
I felt I was lost as of this moment. I felt that there is something that should be fixed off... and it's me... hindi ko kailangan ng kaibigan, kamag-anak at di ko kailangan lahat ng advices. have to think things over. I have to think kung ano ba ang nakakabuti sa'kin. mukha akong tanga at since tanga na nga ako, pananagutan ko na ang pagiging katangahan.
since I admit na nawawala ako... what i mean is I am so lost within this past weeks, I have to settle myself and find a right track with my own point. A simple solitude is what i need. kailangan kong gumala mag-isa... kailangan ko ng dagat, something green at fresh air... need to find a destination na puwede akong mag-isip. since ayoko ng malayo... my feet will head off somewhere in batangas.
(tumigil muna para magpahid ng luha at mag-ayos ng gamit)
Time for me to reconstruct everything. count me in! babalik ako ng maayos...
mommy bei :)
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