did I moved on?

But you’ve made me stronger by breaking my heart,
You ended my life and made a better one start
You told me everything from falling in love
To let it go on the line
Yes, you’ve made me stronger
Baby by saying goodbye…

You’ve made me stronger
By: Regine Velasquez

It was Tuesday night, past 11 pm when I noticed that my phone is ringing and eventually, I ignored that call and focused on what Marmar Roxas said in SNN program regarding his candidacy for 2010 elections. The phone rang again and saw that my ex was calling and I felt the rush of my blood in my head. In the mere fact, he called me because he wanted to meet him up in Cebu and to be with him for two or three day’s maybe. Honestly, I wanted to go but there’s a part of me that blocked me up not to go because… It was really over.

I was not able to sleep that night and I wasn’t crying. I was thinking so many things especially with my ex. I felt that I was having my psychosis syndrome and when I realized that I was overacting, I slept around four in the morning and woke up at seven.

I was sipping my coffee that morning and my head was swirling with lots of confusions in my head and felt that again, I was making things complicated and I can’t help it. I took a bath and pull my wardrobe for that day without checking it out if it was good or not. It ended up wearing a ruffled baby blue blouse and skinny jeans with matching golden earrings and a checkered headband. After fixing my hair and putting my rituals on my face, I went out in my lola’s house without saying goodbye with my grandma.

It was ten in the morning when I used to have an Arabic class which I wasn’t able to attend for so many days (the last time I attended with that class was in Midterm exam), Obviously, I wasn’t able to attend again and decided to talk with my fellow staff in the publication. In the first place, I thought I can hide my heartaches that I felt without knowing the reason why I was hurting. I felt the pain that I was hiding and burst out when love songs played in the office. I was crying that time and I have no choice to release it rather than hiding it too painfully.

I thought I moved on but why is it that I’m still affected especially nowadays. It’s been months since we talked seriously and turned down his proposal and I was shocked that he will be married someday with his fiancé (of course). I thought I can manage myself and live life as normal as I have when he’s not in my sight or simply… side. But it’s not working out and I felt that I was still clinging in my past.

I already moved out from the situation but the person who is a part in that state is not letting you out from the circles that served as a borderline, of course, you cannot freely moved out. I am prepared to freeze my emotions but he is the one who melt it out.

I am not blind, deaf or insensitive to feel this one. I am deeply hurt again because he is not letting me out to move on. It is always like this… it’s not a déjà vu thingy and I am really tired of this matter. It’s useless again if I use to say that ‘pls stop doing this to me’ since it will replicate the same thing over and over again. It’s like knotting the tie and there is someone who will fix the knot that I made. How many knots do I have to make in order for him to realize that it is exhausting to fix those knots? Do I have to make a millions knots? It’s insane….

I know that I should be flattered that someone felt in love with me in this way. But I am sticking to the law of nature and the law of man. I am not selfish.