Is this…? I don’t know…

Excerpt from my Diary way back 2002…
(I would like to apologize if my grammar is incorrect. Anyway… it is an excuse coz I was second year high skul dat time)

Sometimes, I can’t imagine how the wrold moves without a feeling of warm affection in one person.
Maybe the world turns gray because no one knows what is this feeling of something stupid about yourself and makes you crazy everytime, everywhere and every corner, It comes with a four lettered word which is universally discussed and the most familiar conversation in this big big world. It is an emotional factor that helps other people to become united and to prove themselves that they have passion.

It looks like a curse that you cannot invade the power of the precious spell and makes you more inspired in what you are doing. It is a kind of flower that blooms everywhere whether if its rocky,, torny or smooth. You cannot control this psychological opinion arising from emotion because this kind of feeling makes you more concsious to yourself and makes your mind shatter from one person…

Mythological background (in short… history)

Itong essay na to kung tawagin ay sinulat ko dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal ko kay Emphee noong high school. Alam niyo naman na masyado akong madrama! At wala lang akong magawa noon. I do remember na sinusulat ko to noong nagpagawa si Emphee sakin ng book report at ako naman ay kinikilig dahil magkatabi kami. Ang totoo niyan, copy paste ang book report niya sa English book na textbook at ako naman ay tinetreasure ang moment na magkatabi kami… talking about echos at kung anu-anong bagay na to the point, di na ako nakikinig kay Mrs. Nabua!.

Alam kong napakacorny at so high school pero ganun saw talaga pag naiinlove... nagagawa mong maging KACHEAPAN!

SNN Exclusibo! expolisibo!

Bag Raid!

Sabi-Sabi, bulong bulungan, haka-haka… pampanaosebleed lang oi! Anyway… almost everyday in my life na nasa labas ako ng bahay, isa sa mga bagay na importante sa buhay ko ay ang aking mahiwagang bag. Again, with all honesty… hindi ko kayang mabuhay na nagdadala ng isang maliit na bag na pagirl. Mahilig talaga ako sa malalaking bags at sabihin man ng lahat na dinala ko na ang bahay naming, wala akong pakialam dahil halos lahat ng bagay sa nag ko ay importante pag umaalis ako ng bahay. Well… niraid ko ang sarili kong bag para din a magtanong ang iba kung ano bang laman nito at kung bakit mabigat at kung bakit ang laki-laki…

Eto ang pinakaexlusibong report ko as in NOW NA!
Super duper essentials in my Louis Vitton Tote Bag…




Organizer- Listahan ng mge everyday “iterenaries” ko
Notebook- Siyempre… student pa kasi
Ilang uri ng papel- mahilig kasi akong magsulat sa scratch papers kahit importante yung sinusulat
Ballpen- pinakamahusay na sandata sa pagsusulat pati pampatay sa mga mga taong feelerette!
Libro ni Bob Ong- McArthur ang title ang yun ang kasalukuyan kong binabasa
Spiritual book- maniwala kayo sa hindi... nagdadala talaga ako niyan sa bag.



Dalawang magkaibang shade ng compact powder- yung isa pang-umaga na retouch, yung isa pang-gabi
Chucks- pag nangangawit na yung binti ko kasusuot ng heels
Loose baby powder- Pampafresh!



Mga cellphones- yung isa para sa mga Globe users at yung isa, pangSun users…
School ID- ilang years nay an sa bag ko
Press ID- ginagamit lang pag kinakailangan…
Dalawang headset- yung isa pang mp3, yung isa… pangcellphone
Mabatong Earrings- Kapag kailangan magpasosyal… may I use this one…
Charger- kailangan daw di malowbat!



Shades- instant touch-up pag ngarag at mainit ang panahon
VS lotion- needed pag nakikipagshake hands! Love spell po kaya mabango
Nivea Crème- ginagamit ko yan sa paa para hindi dry
Lighter- kapag kailangan maging tambucho for a meantime
Eau de toilette- in short, pabango! Bagong discover ko na scent at brand… Life and leisure’s green tea scent…
Badge pin ng TN- nakasabit yan sa ID ko pero laging natatanggal



Isang shirt, pants at belt- naiwan ko sa office at kailangan ng labhan
Make-up kit- sobrang needed ko bukod sa dalawa kong press powder

Laman ng make-up kit…


Tatlong blush-on brushes- yung isa pang retouch, yung isa naman pangbluh-on at yung malapad… pangbronzer
Lip brush- para sa mga lipstick
Eye pencil na color mocha- very effective para macover ang huggard na mga mata
Eyeshadow brush- para hindi kacheapan na kamay ang ginagamit panglagay ng eyeshadow sa eyes.. duuh… super primitive!
Natasha Sheer spalipstick- color “nude” po yan at ginagamit lang kung feel kong magmukhang may anemic!
Eyeshadows- nude colors para pwede pang-day and night!
Blush-on- pinakapowerful weapon ko at di mawawala sa buhay ko… orange na color ginagamit ko pag umaga at dark pink naman pag gabi
Powder illuminator- press powder din yan na pinaganda lang ang name! obviously… pampafresh sa skin
Dalawang shade ng concealer- sobrang needed pangpatago ng pimples, eyebags, blemishes at mga sumpa!
Avon na lipstick- yan ang lagi ko talagang ginagamit kasi color melon lang siya! Parang wala lang!
Another pale pink na lipstick- ginagamit ko naman pag gabi!
Bronzer- nilalagay ko din sa cheeks para mas maganda ang kalalabasan

Siyampre… di mawawala ang wallet!
Laman ng aking Louis Vitton na wallet na hindi fake!(hindi ako masyadong fan ni Louis Vitton)


Dalawang “Chaos” band ticket- hindi nagamit dahil di ako pumunta
Unting pera- natural kapag wallet nilalagyan talaga ng pera
ESP card ng HBC- di ka makakadiscount sa tindahan ng mga magaganda, ang HBC kung wala ka nito
ATM card- dapat laging nasa wallet just in case wala ka ng cash!
Library ID- kahit noon pa eh walang validation… di ko man lang nagamit!
Family picture- dapat lang na may picture ako ng mama, papa at kapatid ko di ba?
Graduation Pic ni Emphee- binigay niya yan at kailangan nasa wallet para di mawala at yun na yon!

P.S. maraming pang laman ang aking wallet. Resibo, graduation picture ko nung high skul, load slip, mga pictures, starbucks sugar na nasa sachet (buti nga at di nilalanggam), tissue ng starbucks, kumpletong ID ko simula first year high skul hanggang fourth year) ID ko nung nasa FEU pa ako…

Kaya wag na kayong magtaka kung bakit sobrang bigat ng bag ko! Dinadala ko na lahat ng necessities ko for the whole day. At least, girl scout di ba?

Pakonsuelo para kay Bes...

I would like to ask for apology… as in Im so sori if I forgot you’re special day…

Anyway… there’s a room for BAWI di ba? Just what I did to Ryan’s birthday, its better to express my sincere thoughts for someone who is really important in my life. I’m talking about my everdearest best friend…MAUI

(PLS allow me to be excused in my English posts coz its better to say it in my own language…)

20 things why MAUI and I became BES….

1. mga batang baklita pa kami noon… grade two to be exact, section “knowledge” pa kami nun… at habang ang mga bata ay nagsasaya sa paborito nilang subject, ang RECESS, kami ni Maui ay busybusyhang inaasar ang isang ubod ng taba at malaman na kaklase naming nagngangalang Edsella. Sa sobrang mahadera namin ng mga panahong iyon… nakagawa kami ng isang jingle na impromptu…

Mama mia (three times na clap)
Si Edsella (three times na clap ulit)
Crispy pata (three times na clap again and again)
oink oink oink (three times na clap na bonggang bongga)

Mama Mia si Edsella Crispy pata oink oink oink…

Makikita mo ang walang humpay na ngiti sa mga mukha namin na halos ngala ngala nalang ang nakaproject habang tumatakbo papalayo kay Edsella para hindi mahampas ng kanyang malaplywood na kamay.

2. Naalala ko pa nung grade 6 kami at habang kaming magbestfriend ay pababa sa hagdanan sa St. Francis Building, nakasalubong namin si Ria Rose, ang pinakamagandang Diyosa ng mga chaka na tumatakbo papalapit sa atin at biglang nadapa dahil pinatid ni Jan-C.
3. eto pa, sabay tayo naging celebrity in the making ng Tone dahil sa etchos etchos na training ni Mam Caringal… (bes buhay pa ba siya ngayon?)
4. alalahanin mo rin ang walang kamatayang pagbebenta ni Mam Caringal ng Bonsai at eto naman tayo na mega alaga sa Bonsai na binili natin kay Caringal…
5. minsang naglawatsa kami nila Karen Alborte sa Rob, na eto naman kasing si Karen ay nagdala ng mamahaling 3210 na cellphone noong year 2000, papauwi na sana tayo at biglang hinablot ng magnanakaw ang phone ni Karen at eto naman tayo na naging Charlie’s angels ang drama na mega run sa eskinita ng Malate at dun nasubukan ang katatagan ng ating mga binti…
6. alam ko rin naman na may pagkaambisyosa tayong pareho at naging Varsity team pa ng Volleyball noong grade skul. Kahit alam naman natin na hikain ka at ako naman ay di ako talented pagdating sa sports, ayun tayo at trying hard…
7. alalahanin din natin ang mga panahong naging Ash at Brock tayo ng Pokemon dahil sa pangngambisyon natin noon dahil sa Bookweek na Pakana ni Mam Valdez. At dahil baliw na baliw tayo sa Pokemon noon, yellow Version ang sayo at ang akin naman ay Blue Version na catridges ng game boy na black and white pa ang concept.
8. hanggang naging high skul tayo, mega absent si Bes at Missing in Action nung first year, nakuha pa rin naman na pumasa at magproceed ng second year.


9.aliw na aliw ang magbestfriend dahil magkaklase ulit nung second year at aliw na aliw sa panlilibak kay Fifi, na noon ay isang bagong salta sa room at kung ilalarawan ko si Fifi noon, isang maitim na bakla na sunog ang balat, kulot ang buhok at isang mahirap na nagnanakaw ng Gel Pen sa National Bookstore at kacheapan ang bag ng mga panahong iyon. Dun nagsimula ang pagiging laitera naming magbestfriend dahil kay Fifi.
10. nagexcel ng todo todo sa academics noon at naging top 1 si Maui at ako naman ay Top 4...mega kompetisyon ang mga bakla at bukod tanging si Fifi lang ang di nageexcel nun.
11. minsan ng tumibok ang aming mga puso at eto namang si Bes ay masyadong expressive sa nararamdaman niya kay alec… (Sori Bes pero alam ko nman na di mababasa ni Alec to at di naman na ito sikreto) at mano ba naman na magsulat ng letter sa crypt paper na blue gamit ang zonrox bilang tinta, at sinulat ba naman na “I love you” at itinago ni Bes ang kanyang name sa name sang sung na CHERRY. Eto naman si Paolo Aqui na bastarrda, nilagay pala sa bag ni Alec ang letter at ang kawawa kong Bes eh nananahimik sa classroom dahil sa kagagahang ginawa.

12. nagulat nalang ako… sa isang meeting de Abanse ng Maryajheramhey, hindi gragraduate ang magbabarkada na may Virgin sa grupo. Eto naman si Bes na masyadong mahayok, mano ba naman na kumerengkeng ng todo todo noong high skul at ang kanyang first sex ay si… ( Emerson…) Im so Sori… pero matagal na yun at puwede ng ibulgar dahil di na yun sikreto.
13. at huwag ka… di pa nakuntento si Bes… biruin mo ba namang pinagsabay niya ang apat sa mga SFA nung Friday night na di ko na maalala kung kailan ang date, at kung sino sino yun… yun ay isang malaking sikreto namin ni Bes… basta yung isa, crush na crush niya noon, yung isa… matangkad, at patpating lalaki na nakatira sa tinatawag kong masukal na lugar, yung isa naman eh di ko na maalala kung sino siya, at yung isa naman eh love na love ni Fifi na kahit hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako naniniwala na wala siyang grudges kay Bes at kung bakit nagawa ni Bes na ahasin si Fifi noong mga panahong iyon.
14. isang di ko malilimutan sa buhay ko ay ang pagtupad ni Bes sa aking mithiin na maging leading man ko si Emphee sa “Wanted A Chaperon” na play. Si Bes ang director nun at mega inarte pa talaga ako na di ako papayag na iba ang gaganap sa lead role kahit si Krishan pa.



15. pinakabonding time naming magbestfriend ay ang pinaglaruan si Osting! Hahaha!!! Di ko na dapat idetalye iyon dahil iyon ay isang malupit na sikreto naming magbestfriend…
16. grumaduate si Bes nung high skul at Salutatorian ang bakla, naging SG president sa Tone, at nakatanggap ng Saint Francis of Assisi award, sa kabila ng pagiging pok pok nito at malandi… nag-iba ang mundo naming dalawa dahil busy siya sa pagiging politician sa skul noon at ako naman ay busy sa teatro.
17. oo nga pala, sabay kaming nag-audition sa teatro nung second year kami. Dahil makakapal talaga ang mga mukha naming… natanggap kami ng bonggang-bongga. Nauna siyang binigyan ng exposure sa teatro at naging isang guni-guni (back-up dancer yun na role) sa isang dula na ang title ay “dagundong”. At masaya naman kami sa kalokohang pinangagagawa namin sa teatro.
18. It was November days, Book week celebration sa Tone ng minsang binigyan kami ng opportunity na maging Diyosa dahil na rin sa pakana ko. Nag-usap usap ang mga echoserang bakla noon na si Fifi ang gaganap na Hera (kahit labag sa loob ko dahil si Emphee ang gumanap na Zeus… leche!), si Ryan ang gaganap na Aphrodite, si Magbanua ang gaganap na Hestia (hindi siya known), si Bes bilang si Athena (dahil favorite niya yun), at ako naman ay bilang si Artemis… megaovernight ang mga bakla para gumawa ng costume at eto ang eksena… nagmamadali akong pumasok sa skul at as usual, late na ako at first time kong maranasang maging late sa buong high skul life ko… di na ako pinapasok ng guard dahil nag-iinarte si Mam Ignacio! At bigla akong nawindang nang makita ko si Bes na late rin at si Fifi na laging late…! Sa pangangambisyong maging Diyosa, ayun ang napala…
19. Kung tutuusin… Si Bes talaga ang malapitin sa Aksidente nung High skul kami AT KAHIT ATA NGAYON… mano ba naman na mahulog sa kanal dahil hinulog ni Fifi bandang 7 am, pinukpok sa ulo sa pamamagitan ng lata na nakasilid sa BonBon bag na ang promotor ulit ay si Fifi, mistulang nagdudurog ang heels na parang bato noong graduation ball dahil sa din sa di na nagamit na sapatos na pakana ko naman, laging natatalsikan ng kung anu-anong likido sa damit… basta… isang walking disaster talaga si Bes…
20. At ang di makalimutang pangyayari… minsang nag-eemote si Bes dahil sa Jalousy na hinulog niya sa kuwarto nila Bebe at ang natamaan ay isa lang naman na Diabetic… halos pitong pulgada ang sugat at kailangang tahiin at namoromroblema si Bes kung paano niya ito mababayaran… yun ang rason kung bakit nagtrabaho siya bilang call center agent at ngayon… nagmamayaman na. anyway… habang kaming dalawa ay nag-iiyakan sa tambayan namin sa ilalim ng punong mahiwaga na pinanghihiwagaan ni SAPS, biglang dumating si Fifi na umiiyak din dahil sa mababaw na rason.. dahil sa pagmamahal niya sa isang kasamahan niya rin sa trabaho… sori pero nakalimutan ko name niya.

Actually… sobrang dami ng moments kung bakit kami naging magBes… siguro, nagsimula ang tawagan namin ng Bes dahil sa “Buttercup” na series noon sa channel 2 at alam kong kacheapan… yes nalang…

Matagal na rin ang panahon ang maisusukat ang samahan naming magbestfriends. Kahit nung mga college na kami, halos walang humpay pa rin ang chickahan namin sa Mcdo sa España dahil nag-aaral pa ako sa FEU noon at siya naman ay sa UST. Hanggang ngayon, eto kami at mega chickahan pa rin pag umuuwi ako sa Maynila at text messages. wala pa akong naalala na nag-away kaming dalawa o may misunderstanding na naganap at dahil na rin sa acceptance namin kung sino kami at alam din namin ang kahinaan ng bawat isa sa amin. Thankful ako na binigyan ako ng Bes na alam kong maaasahan at makikinig sa lahat ng katarantaduhan, porblema, tripping, at kung anu-ano pa.
Bes, you're turning 22 this year and I know that we have to hold on in our lives. This post is not just an ordinary post that I made coz it is one of my special write-ups ever. No matter what happens, I am always be your Bes… even though distance will not tear us apart. You know that I’m so proud of you. May god showers you more blessings in life and I know that this post is really O.A na as in nobela na siya…

Thanks Bes and belated Happi Birthday….

It's a "JAP" thingy

Currently doin right now: listening Spanish album of Christina Aguilera (mi reflejo)
Current outfit: semi buttoned down gray cami- shirt, flared jeans and high cut chucks
Current emotion: ambiguously wondered but quite happy…

I dunno what will I post here in my blog… hehe “sori na gud” but I have to post something in order to update my blog for my constituents…”aw!”

Well… I dunno If I consider myself as an expert in fashion about this post and somehow, I just want to help those people who are a bit confused on what are the essential things about the Eastern fashion or simply what we called “Jap style”.

Jap style or Japanese invasion style is originated “of course” in Japan where standout pieces like silver studs, overly patterned ruffled blouses or skirts, super high-cut boots and exaggeratedly tattered jeans are used and wear casually by the yellow skinned people. I would say that it is really normal for them to use these kinds of clothes for strolling, working on the day time shift and even schooldays! And I probably say that it is one of the unique modes of fashion compared in western style.

I know that my fellow staffers in the publication are having a huge problem on what are they going to wear in the upcoming IPR (inter personal relationship) activity because the theme of this IPR is “Korean Pop Star”. Somehow, this kind of theme is really related to Jap style. So I guess I could give some tips on what to wear and what are the dos and don’ts wearing this kind of technique.

A Modern Vintage

Japanese style is a modern way of wearing vintage clothes. To achieve this kind of style, “ukay ukay” is the best solution for that.
Vintage shirts with statement print outs in the front shirt matched with straight cut denim (and not the loose one) and a closed pointed loud colored high heel is a simple way to make. You can also use some scarves hanged in the shirt, jackets or sweatshirts that have loud and unique details and cartoon prints to add drama in your outfit. If you are too confident enough, wear a vintage shirt paired with skinny jeans and high cut boots. You can also use furry accessories like fur headbands or studded frills for rocker Jap effect.

Ruffles Riffles and Tousles

Ruffles are excellent standout piece and can be worn in a low key or maintenance. Ruffled blouses and skirts are best ones to buy for versatility kind of style. A candy colored ruffled blouse matched with a mini-shorts and knee socks can be a “Jap” motif and a simple razorback tee worn under a cropped jacket paired with a ruffled short skirt and a noticeable high heel or shoe is a great one to do also.

Layer, Layer, Layer

I had an issue of seventeen magazine way back 6 years ago (it was my high school days), that talks about “Jap” invasion of style. One thing that the article says is the best way to achieve this look is to practice the art of “layering”. A loud colored racer back tee layered by a pastel colored spaghetti strap and a plain white tube is the most common “layering” way to do. You can also wear black tights under simple denim or khaki mini shorts, colored socks and a nice pair of sneakers or chucks for an edgy yet cute “Japan Japan Porma”.

F4 or BOF mode

For guys; neatness, simple yet sensual are the perfect adjectives to describe the Japanese inspired look. Most of the Asianovelas that we saw in the television and mainstreams today are Asian guys who wear tuxedos and suits and patterned scarves for fashionable yet masculine mode. For those guys who are a bit stylish, a statement shirt with arab scarf worn under a black suit paired with skinny or straight cut jeans and sneakers is quite fancy but an ideal way to look like F4 or BOF. The other thing that you should remember is the hairstyle. “Jap” looks always deal with their hairstyles and can be a standout accessory in this kind of fashion statement.

Superb “bangs”

I honestly agree that full, China cut, “Pichina” (named in 1980’s) bangs are ariginated in Asia. If you are able to watch “Memoirs of Geisha”, most of the Japanese women preferred to have bangs. I decided to change my hairstyle due to the upcoming IPR and I preferred to have a full bangs. So I went to Carlo Reyes salon (my own suki…) to dye my hair from copper blond to jet black and cut my bangs. I usually like the result coz it is done in a right way and I ought to be fashionable even if I am just wearing a simple white tee, a jeans and sneakers. My hair is the best accessory to achieve Japanese fashion.

Jap style is truly weird yet cute way to be inspired of. As we saw in the anime schemes, It is the most cutest way to achieve. In my own little way, I usually follow this kind of style coz it really gives me the signature receive compliments from others. I’m so loving it and that’s it!

Oh look!

This set of phrase was said by my ever dearest “kumare”, Muding or Chessabells and I was laughing out loud because of the maliciously interpretations of my co-publication staff in the office. If I will try to explain to you what’s with this exclamatory phrase, It will end up explaining it too vulgar and not good to the readers especially to the minors and my blog is not intended for sexual purposes… ok?

So let it be and try to think what the nasty interpretation of that is!

As the matter of fact, we enjoy little or simple things in this world and just even saying two words that are far out, maliciously interpreted, or jokingly adhered can make you LOL! Well, I used to do that everyday. Making fun with my friends and laugh exaggeratedly is my best medicine with all the stresses that I felt.

It’s a childish thing but I really love it and it’s not being “plastikan” but I appreciate all the people who make me LOL. Perversely seen by the other people but Wa koy “L” and I don’t really care if I laugh like a donkey… basta, I am really happy and that’s it.

Laughing is really the best medicine towards aging and laughing out loud is the best way to relieve the stress…

My dad is really the best…

Actually, I decided to post at least 10 English posts just for a quite change in my blog account (challenging ito!), anyway… at least di ba?

As far as I remember, I wrote a post about my dad which is really painful for me to write about. Well, you cannot blame me for that one coz it was really one of the most painful things that I felt in my 22 years living in this crazy world. Yah… I had grudges with my dad for what he had done to me. I would like to clarify that he hurt me emotionally and not physically and it was not a gender issue that most of the gays felt why they hated their father so much. I have a different reason and I think it is valid!

That was before… again, that was BEFORE. Maybe god is so great that he was able to grant me a gift of understanding and forgiveness to others, I don’t want to be sounded as I was making “wali” but it was true.

Yesterday, I was wondering that I was not able to receive any text from my mom. I left her in Bacolod last Monday. Even though that my mom is really a “lagalag” kind of person, I was a bit worried. When I went home in my grandmother’s house at around 10:30 p.m, I saw that there were lot of people in the house and I thought that my lola was dead. Well, it went wrong… the mourning that I felt in my head turned into happiness when I saw my dad in the couch sitting in front of my mom’s relatives. I was also shocked that my mom was there sitting beside papa and laughing lout loud (as usual… my mom is like me).

I was screaming when I saw them. I wanted to cry but I managed not to do it coz I was thinking that I was overreacting. Without apprehension, I hugged my dad and I really felt the completeness within myself. My mom was really happy and so do I.

We talked so many things and I realize that even for a short time, my family was complete. I slept between them and it was really the first time that I did it.

I have reasons why I had grudges with my father and I realize that even though he made a mistake in our family, he is willing to cope it up. I wish that the memories or I should say problems that my family encountered may turn into ashes and be deleted in our minds. Maybe if I could turn back the time… I will try to fix the mess that we experienced.

hmmm, that’s life. Sometimes, you have to experience to be hurt and be happy after all. My only advice is to love your mama and papa so much. They are the ones who will mold you to become a good person. They are the ones who will teach you how to be a fighter in this challenging world. And they are the ones who love you for who you are as a person.

Sounds new right? Well… It’s a part of growing up!

did I moved on?

But you’ve made me stronger by breaking my heart,
You ended my life and made a better one start
You told me everything from falling in love
To let it go on the line
Yes, you’ve made me stronger
Baby by saying goodbye…

You’ve made me stronger
By: Regine Velasquez

It was Tuesday night, past 11 pm when I noticed that my phone is ringing and eventually, I ignored that call and focused on what Marmar Roxas said in SNN program regarding his candidacy for 2010 elections. The phone rang again and saw that my ex was calling and I felt the rush of my blood in my head. In the mere fact, he called me because he wanted to meet him up in Cebu and to be with him for two or three day’s maybe. Honestly, I wanted to go but there’s a part of me that blocked me up not to go because… It was really over.

I was not able to sleep that night and I wasn’t crying. I was thinking so many things especially with my ex. I felt that I was having my psychosis syndrome and when I realized that I was overacting, I slept around four in the morning and woke up at seven.

I was sipping my coffee that morning and my head was swirling with lots of confusions in my head and felt that again, I was making things complicated and I can’t help it. I took a bath and pull my wardrobe for that day without checking it out if it was good or not. It ended up wearing a ruffled baby blue blouse and skinny jeans with matching golden earrings and a checkered headband. After fixing my hair and putting my rituals on my face, I went out in my lola’s house without saying goodbye with my grandma.

It was ten in the morning when I used to have an Arabic class which I wasn’t able to attend for so many days (the last time I attended with that class was in Midterm exam), Obviously, I wasn’t able to attend again and decided to talk with my fellow staff in the publication. In the first place, I thought I can hide my heartaches that I felt without knowing the reason why I was hurting. I felt the pain that I was hiding and burst out when love songs played in the office. I was crying that time and I have no choice to release it rather than hiding it too painfully.

I thought I moved on but why is it that I’m still affected especially nowadays. It’s been months since we talked seriously and turned down his proposal and I was shocked that he will be married someday with his fiancé (of course). I thought I can manage myself and live life as normal as I have when he’s not in my sight or simply… side. But it’s not working out and I felt that I was still clinging in my past.

I already moved out from the situation but the person who is a part in that state is not letting you out from the circles that served as a borderline, of course, you cannot freely moved out. I am prepared to freeze my emotions but he is the one who melt it out.

I am not blind, deaf or insensitive to feel this one. I am deeply hurt again because he is not letting me out to move on. It is always like this… it’s not a déjà vu thingy and I am really tired of this matter. It’s useless again if I use to say that ‘pls stop doing this to me’ since it will replicate the same thing over and over again. It’s like knotting the tie and there is someone who will fix the knot that I made. How many knots do I have to make in order for him to realize that it is exhausting to fix those knots? Do I have to make a millions knots? It’s insane….

I know that I should be flattered that someone felt in love with me in this way. But I am sticking to the law of nature and the law of man. I am not selfish.